Questions and Answers

Discovery and implementation. These are 2 words that I have for myself at this cardinal point.

The problem of being human is that we give in too easily. Most commonly by emotions. And that's where the core issue originates from.

I have travelled to some beautiful countries, and yes, what a bliss if I could travel all my life. But that previous statement is opposing to the sentence I'm about to say next: As the final semester of Diploma looms closer, ending in EXACTLY 6 days, I still haven't really figured out where I want to be.

Do I wanna continue exploring different places? Will I be able to make it on my own? What'd be of home, without my presence? Will the contents of it still be the same even after I've gone? Will I be a wailing mess of a girl, unable to control voluminous streams of hot tears rolling down my cheeks like a gush of blood of a fresh wound when I step forth on new grounds?

But the real question here is: Am I READY for this? It's a change of scene; a different city that I'd be lost in for the first few weeks, a flock of new and old new smiles I'd see on the streets, a contrasting lifestyle that I'd have to adapt to - or will I be bellowing at my initial decision of going overseas altogether?

Yes, I've been telling people about my plans of studying overseas. Somehow, added doubts mask the already murky thoughts in my head, disallowing implementation of plans and proper room for decision-making. Not only doubts per say, but the stagnancy of my own doing obscures the thought of fastening the process of applying for a spot in Degree in a place far from home.

The confidence level in me spells L-O-W. I've been told a lot that I NEED to exhibit the overflowing-confidence-goodness-that-IS-in-me-but-cannot-be-seen-yet, out from its cage that these people deem as "shyness" and soar. People often mistaken my kindness/niceness (insert whatever adjective or noun where applicable) as I'm shy. Well, I'm an introvert at heart, but it does not justify shyness. Most times, when my "confidence" parades at the speed of a Bugatti Veyron, it's out of spontaneity.

What I'm trying to get at is that, maybe I need a drive. Something to... Lift my spirits and let confidence brew naturally.

It's not just that... Again.

What about the people that I'll be leaving behind? Or rather, some, to be exact. Some of whom I've grown rather attached to. Or will THIS, be thrown away like porcelain? Beautiful on the exterior, but easily broken. Am I fooling myself for having the thought of being affiliated in someone's life for a long period of time? Never in my case have I been lucky. So I think yes, maybe I AM INDEED a fool.

I ask too many rhetorical questions, eh? Aside from that, I realise that I tend to write more when I'm upset. Yes, I'm pretty much upset now. With myself. And of life in all its glory.

Maybe all I really need is a change of scene, while I'm still young.

The sun's already beaming, it's 7am, a new day.

I cannot stumble here
I am safe inside my head
When I wake up I'll forget
I’ll come back to my mess

I will not leave
Stay asleep
Slip further in
My ecstasy

Safe inside my mind I hide…

Hazy

A few things that I need now:

1) Patience

2) Serenity

3) Strength

4) A BREAK

I watched you sleeping

Quietly in my bed

You don't know this now

But there's some things that need to be said

And it's all that I can hear

It's more than I can bare

What if I fall and hurt myself?

Would you know how to fix me

What if I went and lost myself?

Would you know where to find me

If I forgot who I am

Would you please remind me oh?

Cause without you things go hazy

Somebody that I used to know

"It is about that tiny little fibre in your body that cannot erase the memory of them, and that tiny little fibre is what causes most of the conflict: your voice speaks and says that you would never be hung up over this person, and yet, the entire song is dedicated to the memory of that person and the damage they have caused you. So you ARE, after all, hung up on them. And that is the contrast between your voice (voice of reason) and your heart (with which your true feelings lie). I think that might be why there is such a huge play on body parts in the video clip and how each body part is coloured differently. It represents all the different thoughts in your mind that are contradicting each other."

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Told myself that you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation to the end, always the end

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well you said that we would still be friends

But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough

No you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Hours seems to disappear

What a difference a short one month can make.

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' 'bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about their own faults
talkin' 'bout our own style
all we care 'bout is talking
talking only me and you

Everything else is secondary

Sometimes I wonder if this is a mind game I'm basking myself into. On every contrasting degree, the contents of my mind alter, turning the tables around. Making it painful to decode the dynamics of what's next.

The divergent perspective about some things disarms the joviality in life for something bitter even though it could turn out otherwise.

This comedic mind game is equivalent to the notion of my foolishness. Like it or not, that's the shit I've got myself into. The intensity cannot be explained. Luck was never in my favour, anyway. Decoding fucking mind games.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. - Steve Jobs